this was inspired a few moments ago while sitting in the shower apologizing to God.
i do that quite often. i like to talk to God while im in the shower. i have no distractions. no one to bother me. im at my most vulnerable. its kind of my quite/alone time if you will.
what i am going to write about is the expectations i have of a friend and the expectations God has of me, and how they are parallel each other. so here it goes.
every time i find myself apologizing to God and telling Him that im sorry for sinning, two things happen: 1. i get a huge blanket of guilt that covers me because i know im going to commit the same sins im apologizing for again. and 2. God always reminds me of my relationship i have with a friend of mine. so with that being said, let me go into detail about my friendship.
i have this friend that i’ve known for about 5 years. it hasn’t been the easiest friendship to say the least, but its been good. we don’t talk much anymore and thats mostly my fault. this person over the years has put me through the ringer. they have let me down numerous times. hurt my feelings. said some mean words. and yet i kept giving them a second chance. i keep giving them another chance because they always apologized. so i let them come back, in hopes that they would eventually show me through actions, not words, that they were actually sorry, but they never did. so now we don’t talk anymore.
the problem with this situation is that i was tired of hearing the apology. i wanted to see it. i wanted to feel it. eventually their words lost meaning and i didn’t believe them anymore. and through this experience i’ve learned the importance of showing action behind your words. if you say you love someone, show it. if you are sorry for something you’ve done to someone, show it. if you make plans, stick to them.
here is where i am going with this. while im in the shower apologizing to God for a sin i’ve committed a thousand plus times, He stopped me mid sentience and said “hey, remember that friend you always get mad at for not showing you that they are sorry? well you’re being that kind of friend to Me.” and thats where part of the guilt blanket comes in. He’s right. im treating God the exact same way my friend treated me. and yes, He does have the same expectations that i had of my friend. He wants me to show Him that i am sorry, and to not just say it over and over like some broken record. and to be honest, as im apologizing to Him, i feel no meaning behind my words. they just roll off my tongue like a well rehearsed script.
now aside from what i just mentioned, there is a second part to this friendship: i should have portrayed God better than i did. see God truly forgives me when i apologize and ask for forgiveness. He knows im going to screw up again, but He takes me back regardless. no questions asked. i kept taking my friend back in hopes they would change. if i would have been certain they would have kept on like they did, i wouldn’t have given them as many chances. but thats not how God operates. even though my words may have lost their meaning, He knows my heart. He knows im just human and that im not perfect. and that is how my friend is. they are just human. yes it would have been nice to see action behind their words, but thats the only thing i wanted to see. the selfishness that is stored inside me refused to see my friends heart, but instead wanted to see only action.
so i guess what i am trying to say here is that when you come to God and say you’re sorry for something, do your best to show Him you’re sorry. put forth the best possible effort you can in showing God that you’re sorry and i strongly believe if you do that with a pure heart, you will soon find yourself distanced from whatever it was you originally apologized for. also, ask God for the ability to portray the kind of grace He gives you, to others. we are all selfish and have selfish ways. people will disappoint us. people will let us down. if they’re a true friend, they mean well. look into their heart and cover them with grace.
goodnight world. love you.